So I’ve made it all the way here: Day 9. So proud of myself. I thought I was over the cravings but last night I found myself asking my husband to get me some ice-cream from the freezer.
“Be strong baby. If you don’t have any, I won’t.”
So there I stayed, in his lovely arms. He was home before it was dark for the first time in weeks. I wasn’t about to move, not even for ice-cream.
Last Saturday we had a tea party chez nous and much to my surprise, it wasn’t as agonising as I expected. That’s the thing about making cakes – you see exactly what goes into them, and after a week of no sugar, the idea of giving up for 200g of sugar just didn’t appeal to me. I really wanted a lemon muffin though. Lemon is perfect in everything. The hardest part was serving our guests and not eating. I’d feel rather uncomfortable if the host sat without eating, and would start to wonder just what is in the food…
The following day, we went to my brother-in-law’s for a house-warming lunch. There were no less than 4 cakes for dessert including one of my favourites: lemon meringue pie. Gutted.
The hardest part of my day is between 1400-1600 as this is when I usually catch-up on emails, read the news and sip green tea whilst snacking on dark chocolate. I feel so frustrated, and a little angry to be honest. Why am I addicted to beeping sugar? Why oh why is my one innocent, inexpensive pleasure causing me this much trouble? Why is the one thing I enjoy the most, the one thing that is bad for me? Why can’t I have a small bag of my favourite orangettes from Jeff de Bruges? It doesn’t seem fair. The more I continue detoxing from sugar, the less relevance the sugar has. This has become about my self-control and emotional strength. I cannot be defeated by sugar. I will not be defeated by sugar.
I’ve been thinking about my mum a lot. She smokes. She always smoked. She’s tried practically everything to try to give up, but just hasn’t been able to. Every time she gives up, anger, frustration and disappointment fill my body and I’m ashamed to admit, my words. As my husband explained, if I’m struggling (and believe me I am) to stay away from sugar, imagine how hard it must be for my mum to give up smoking after over 35 years. I feel awful that I have been so ignorant to my mum’s struggle and cannot wait to see her in 2 weeks for a big cuddle. Hopefully this experience will increase my tolerance for my mum’s battle against cigarettes. That said, I still believe that smoking is utterly stupid. Sorry mum, sugar or no sugar, my view hasn’t changed.