This. Is. Me. Today.

What you want, you run away from. What you need, you don’t have a clue. What you’ve accomplished makes you proud, but you’re still miserable.”

So here I am on 26th December 2010, sitting alone catching up with emails, reading my favourite blogs and feeling rather odd. What I learnt this weekend is just how refreshing it is to be honest with myself and that as long as I am confident in my decisions, I’m on the right path. Often, when I want to drift away from reality, I watch a funny film (last night it was Zoolander) or “House”, which is a. the only television show I watch these days, b. the source of the quotation and c. beeping fabulous! This weekend will forever be known as “weekend of thought” and as I sit here appreciating a moment of escapism, this quotation hit me like a ton of bricks: This. Is. Me. Now. No BS, no sparkles on top, no gorgeous shoes, just me.  I’m not afraid or ashamed. Apparently, this happens to many women approaching/just turned 30.  Add relationships, work, New Year and all sorts, and you have quite a mess on your hands…


  1. 26 December 2010 / 20:33

    I’ve had three days sans make-up, sans high heels and before moving to NYC to start a new/different way of life. I’ve just turned 32… I think the most important question here is “what do I feel?” because a certain amount of anxiety is good for us and propels us forwards. Let 2011 be what we make it, mess or no 😉

    • Milla
      26 December 2010 / 20:41

      If only you knew how much your words mean right now. Yes Sarah, you’re so right – let 2011 be what we make it! I highly suspect that quite an adventure is ahead for both of us but isn’t that what life is about – discovery.


  2. 26 December 2010 / 23:29

    Do what’s honest for you Milla!

    • Milla
      27 December 2010 / 10:28

      I sure am trying Cupcake 🙂


  3. 27 December 2010 / 01:28


    Your little blog…

    It looks utterly, stunningly, perfectly beautiful! It’s just the most pretty and charming Christmas present for your many devoted readers. :0)

    As you know, I turned thirty last month and seem to be going through a ‘butterfly emerging from a chrysalis’ phase. It hurts, it’s bewildering, it’s terrifying but – just like growing pains – I remind myself that this transition is necessary to (one day, please God!) reach the life I should be living.

    This weekend I’ve cried enough tears to fill the Atlantic – so whatever happened for you over the holiday, I can better it… remember, lady, I’m the chairmain of the ‘Trying to Find My Way in Life and Not Go Crazy Along The Way’ club! ;0)

    Sparkles or no sparkles on top, I think you’re amazing.

    Sarah x

    • Milla
      27 December 2010 / 10:26


      I’m always so touched by your words. Thank you : )

      Well, consider this my official request to join your club. I am clinging on to the hope that one day, this confusion, pain and pure bewilderment will be worth it, and lead me to where I am suppose to go. Without that hope and the kindness of people like you, I honestly don’t know what I’d do. I believe we’ll get there – we just need to get through these tough moments. Stay strong and remember, if I’m amazing, I got it from you!

      No more tears (yes, I’m saying that to myself as well). Stay positive lovely.



  4. 27 December 2010 / 02:12

    Hello mademoiselle!!! Hope you enjoyed a lovely Christmas. I have always been that kinda of person who puts others needs (family included) before mine, until i learned the hard way one day when they all left me out in the cold. Now i make sure I do me first, it is selfish way to go through life but thats the only way to take full responsibility for your life. I must say turning 30 was probably the hardest thing ever. I think i was literary in a whirlwind until the actual day. the next day everything went back to normal. I wish i could tell you that it wont happen to you that way but i think its just one of those things in life you have to go through. You should find something to do to take your mind of things, keep yourself busy and dont give yourself time to sit down and think because i tell the minds imagination is a very dangerous things. its 4 days left to the end of 2010, focus on appreciating the good that happened in 2010 and plan to make the best of 2011.

    • Milla
      27 December 2010 / 10:11

      Coucou! If by enjoyed, you mean gained 3 kilos then yes, I enjoyed Christmas! How about you? Is it really cold there? Over the weekend it was -3 but the snow stopped.

      I’m sorry you had that experience. It’s hard with family, isn’t it? When I was about 15, I was sitting in my great-aunt’s lounge listening to the family bitch about this person and that person. When said person arrived, they acted all happy and like it was nothing. I decided there and then that I didn’t like that one bit and since that day, I haven’t seen any of them again. This is part of the reason why my friendships are so important to me – I believe in sharing my life with people I love and want to share it with, not just because we share DNA. Selfish I guess…

      Why don’t women talk about this more? Until I read Style Souk‘s blog and talked to Cupcake, I never realised there were other women experiencing this. Did you have friends the same age experiencing the same thing? “Whirlwind” is spot on – I feel so confused! Should I have thought more about a career/travelled more/why am I such an awful wife/should I have had children earlier/what if my ovaries are already in their respective retirement homes/why don’t I own any property/maybe I should become a doctor (too much House…)/maybe I should move back to Japan etc. How did you cope? I’m going insane.

      I will follow your wise advice – stay busy, be grateful for 2010 and plan for 2011 – and your arrival! Woohoo!!!



  5. 27 December 2010 / 11:21

    But I love this feeling when you start to come to terms with who and what you are and it is good. so so cool!


  6. 27 December 2010 / 13:34

    Why don’t women talk about this more?

    Great question, Milla, and one I have asked myself many, many times.

    I think there is great vulnerability in revealing your unhappiness or uncertainty to others. What if they judge you? Disapprove of you? Or worse, reject you?

    We have all been ‘mis-sold’ a vision for life – seriously, if it had been an endowment policy, we would be taking legal action by now! – that we should have university degrees, a career, marriage, happy families, and a cherry on top of our cake. These are the things, or so we are told, that lead to happiness.

    Except life has other designs…

    I think that, generally, women are incredibly capable and selfless creatures. We take on the emotional burden of others but neglect our own. We care for those we love but forget to take the time to care for ourselves. We want for the happiness of our friends and family but never pause to find our own joys.

    To one degree or the other, we all soldier on in this way – being actor’s and pretending that everything is fine, fine, fine whilst slowly falling to pieces inside. We can’t be seen to be vulnerable or weak and shut one another out as a result.

    This, of course, only makes the problem worse because we feel incredibly alone in our battles – as though we are the first to face them – when, really, if we all just spoke about this more, we’d realise that we aren’t lone soldiers but part of a much wider army…

    An army of confused, anxious, self-doubting crackpots, perhaps, but united all the same. :0)

    Sarah x

  7. Monika
    29 December 2010 / 00:35

    Thank you Milla for this wonderful post, which makes me realize that I am not alone with
    all my doubts and concerns about my life.
    I find it really funny how all of us are sometimes seen from the outside by persons, who don´t know us too well (having your life perfectly put together and knowing excactly in what direction you are moving) and
    how you really feel. (sometimes weak and sad)
    And thank you for your wonderful blog which always manages to add glamour to my at the moment not perfect
    I heard a really nice saying yesterday:
    “You are too concerned with what was and what will be
    The past is history, the future a mistery, but today is a gift, that´s why it is called the present.”

    • Milla
      29 December 2010 / 12:23

      Monika, thank you so much for your kind words. I have found great comfort in knowing that there are other women out there experiencing the same emotions and trying find an answer. In moments of weakness, it feels so hard to pick oneself up but like I said, comments like yours help. Danke!

      Excellent quotation – thank you for sharing.

      Come back soon.


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